I'm going to go ahead and preface that all of these thoughts might seem extremely scattered and maybe won't make so much sense, therefore forging many English errors.. so I'll apologize in advance.(ehem, BW :)
I decided today that it's time to let down my pride. As far as I know, everyone that's going to read this blog would be more than happy to pray for me, so that's basically what I'm asking for.
I seem to be in an emotional spiral lately.. a bit more sensitive than normal (never a good thing), feeling extreme guilt and pressure for certain things. Some not so big, but also some things that I feel conviction towards for a reason. I'm always thankful for that, because I know that ultimately it helps me out more than anything, and I can always say that I learned something powerful through it. But for the time being, in the moment, until the "problem is solved" for the most part, I struggle so much with giving it to God. It's really like touching a hot stove everyday, and never remembering how much it hurts. I know in my heart how silly it is to avoid God and try and fix all of my life's problems on my own. I know with every part of me that it's more than impossible.. yet I continue to surround myself with this wall of pride that wants nothing to do with what God or my loved ones want for me.
I tend to do this in phases. Well I seem to be in this phase again. I finally broke it down last night and feel so rejuvenated and hopeful again. The phase never lasts long, because I thankfully have an extremely forgiving and merciful father that loves me.
It's hard to admit these things because just like any normal believer, God forbid people know that I struggle with my faith. I also can't bare how much dissappointment I leave God feeling towards me. I genuinely want nothing more than to live my life for him and to seek out his mission, but feel nothing but hypocrisy because of my inconsistency with my actions.
So.. please pray that I am more aware that God's plans for me are not my own. and for a good reason.. and that I will be more willing to put down my pride for the sake of giving it to God, because he is a thousand times bigger than anything I can handle.
I struggle with motivation for school. I thought this would change after moving on from PJC and being at UWF. It has helped a little.. I feel closer to the finish line so it's keeping me going. But it is not a part of me to feel the least bit excited about school. None the less, I am so so so thankful that I have this opportunity to be able to be educated towards something that will support me financially, but that's about as far as it goes for me. I don't enjoy the daily routine of class, homework, and tests. At all.
So... please pray that I can gain a little more motivation. I'm not going to try and become someone that is genuinely excited about it, it's not in my blood. But I need more discipline and responsibility that will help me do well.
One of my closest friends has recently told me that she doesn't believe in God anymore. It literally hurts. I've never been close to someone who not only believes the exact opposite of me, but advertises it.
So... please pray that I will only love her more through this, and that God will make me aware of my opportunities to talk to her and to give me the words to say so I will never ever make her feel like I love her any less.
I found out today that I have basal cell carcinoma, which is the first and tiniest stage of skin cancer, praise the Lamb.. because I thankfully got it checked before it turned into anything worse, but have to go through a literal skin burning procedure next week.
So.. please pray that the "surgery" goes smoothly and that she gets all of the cancer so I don't find out later that it has spread and gotten worse.
I love all of you more than I show, and appreciate you reading this whole thing if you've gotten this far.. and for your prayers, of course.
much love,
Bittems
