Monday, February 2, 2009


I'm going to go ahead and preface that all of these thoughts might seem extremely scattered and maybe won't make so much sense, therefore forging many English errors.. so I'll apologize in advance.(ehem, BW :)
I decided today that it's time to let down my pride. As far as I know, everyone that's going to read this blog would be more than happy to pray for me, so that's basically what I'm asking for.
I seem to be in an emotional spiral lately.. a bit more sensitive than normal (never a good thing), feeling extreme guilt and pressure for certain things. Some not so big, but also some things that I feel conviction towards for a reason. I'm always thankful for that, because I know that ultimately it helps me out more than anything, and I can always say that I learned something powerful through it. But for the time being, in the moment, until the "problem is solved" for the most part, I struggle so much with giving it to God. It's really like touching a hot stove everyday, and never remembering how much it hurts. I know in my heart how silly it is to avoid God and try and fix all of my life's problems on my own. I know with every part of me that it's more than impossible.. yet I continue to surround myself with this wall of pride that wants nothing to do with what God or my loved ones want for me.
I tend to do this in phases. Well I seem to be in this phase again. I finally broke it down last night and feel so rejuvenated and hopeful again. The phase never lasts long, because I thankfully have an extremely forgiving and merciful father that loves me.
It's hard to admit these things because just like any normal believer, God forbid people know that I struggle with my faith. I also can't bare how much dissappointment I leave God feeling towards me. I genuinely want nothing more than to live my life for him and to seek out his mission, but feel nothing but hypocrisy because of my inconsistency with my actions.
So.. please pray that I am more aware that God's plans for me are not my own. and for a good reason.. and that I will be more willing to put down my pride for the sake of giving it to God, because he is a thousand times bigger than anything I can handle.

I struggle with motivation for school. I thought this would change after moving on from PJC and being at UWF. It has helped a little.. I feel closer to the finish line so it's keeping me going. But it is not a part of me to feel the least bit excited about school. None the less, I am so so so thankful that I have this opportunity to be able to be educated towards something that will support me financially, but that's about as far as it goes for me. I don't enjoy the daily routine of class, homework, and tests. At all.
So... please pray that I can gain a little more motivation. I'm not going to try and become someone that is genuinely excited about it, it's not in my blood. But I need more discipline and responsibility that will help me do well.

One of my closest friends has recently told me that she doesn't believe in God anymore. It literally hurts. I've never been close to someone who not only believes the exact opposite of me, but advertises it.
So... please pray that I will only love her more through this, and that God will make me aware of my opportunities to talk to her and to give me the words to say so I will never ever make her feel like I love her any less.

I found out today that I have basal cell carcinoma, which is the first and tiniest stage of skin cancer, praise the Lamb.. because I thankfully got it checked before it turned into anything worse, but have to go through a literal skin burning procedure next week.
So.. please pray that the "surgery" goes smoothly and that she gets all of the cancer so I don't find out later that it has spread and gotten worse.

I love all of you more than I show, and appreciate you reading this whole thing if you've gotten this far.. and for your prayers, of course.

much love,

Monday, November 3, 2008

This election breaks my heart. Everyone is being ripped apart by political views. I also can't help but be sick of overhearing all of these ignorant political conversations. I don't butt in and try to correct either side, or attempt to sway anyone in any particular direction.. all I can do is simply overhear and shake my head.. mainly because I don't want to contribute to any further dispute over these manners, but also because I honestly wouldn't feel confident enough to bring up an issue to try and defend.
The first election I am registered to vote for, and I say this with immense hesitation.. but I am not voting this year.
Before you jump down my throat, hear me out.
This is the first election in my time that I have done any research, what-so-ever, to try and figure out who my candidate of choice should be. I have yet to be satisfied. I realize that not even close to every single person going out to vote stands strong behind who they're voting for. A lot of people have described it as "choosing between the lesser of two evils".. and even though that's somewhat dramatic, I feel like I would be doing the same thing, but that doesn't feel right to me. I don't have a strong enough opinion for any candidate in this election, and I believe that I shouldn't vote for anyone but myself. The media and everyone I know is constantly telling me to "VOTE VOTE VOTE".. and I completely appreciate the compassion behind the idea, but I also think that this repeated demand forces some people to vote without much of an opinion.
I have only been eligible to vote one other time in my life, and I honestly didn't even think twice about it. I have unfortunately always been very UNinterested when it comes to politics.. and now that I'm learning and actually doing my research, that is why I have chosen not to vote. Not because I've maintained an ignorant point of view, but because I wouldn't feel right in my heart making such an important decision for my country that didn't even stand true.
I'm also not going to be one of those who complains once the election is complete. I feel that both Obama or McCain can contribute very positive efforts to the many problems we're facing right now. I've just found it too difficult to decide which issues were more important, or seemed to have a more realistic approach.
I've prayed and prayed and prayed about it, and I feel like this is what I'm most comfortable doing. The last thing I want to do is walk into that voting booth tomorrow and officially make my opinion count for something that even I, myself, don't support 100%.
So before I get ridiculed and beat up, I just wanted to be honest with everyone. I'm not sitting here lazy, un-informed or ignorant, just.. undecided. I want my vote to have passion behind it, and true support. Since it won't have either of those, I'm voting not to vote.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Matthew 28:19-20
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age.
Matthew 3:15
Jesus replied, "Let it be so now; it is proper for us to be baptized to fulfill all righteousness."

The one time I was baptized was when I was 5 or 6 and got "saved" because it seemed appropriate, and my best friend decided to do so. Why not? My dad was a preacher. He was way proud of me.
I had no idea what I was doing. Not even the slightest clue. I remember believing in Jesus, but I couldn't have even have begun to imagine what it would be like to truly live for Christ. Since then I have most definitely been through many phases of ups and downs, in my faith and just life in general. It wasn't until about a year ago that I have been seriously attempting to live my life for God and genuinely believe in Him heart and soul. I've experienced so much inconsistency with my love for Him and I'm ready to make this for real. This life is more than I deserve. I'm excited to get baptized Sunday at the Riv's one year celebration to symbolize my commitment to Jesus and the life I'm meant to live for him- in an afflux of authenticity with my incredible community at the River. That church has been the best thing that could happen to me and I'm overwhelmed and more than grateful for their support and love for me and each other. I'm anxious to continue through my journey and experience genuine authenticity through the love of my God.